Boundaries are often misunderstood—people think of them as walls, ways to keep people out, or some rigid set of rules, ultimatums, or demands. But real, healthy boundaries aren’t about shutting people out—they’re about creating space for true connection. Think of them like a fence: you get to decide who comes in, when, and how. There’s a gate you can open, but you also have the power to close it when needed. Without boundaries, we lose ourselves. With overly rigid ones, we lose others. The key is in finding that balance.

Why Boundaries Matter

Boundaries are about protection and connection. They help us define who we are, what matters to us, and how we interact with the world. If you don’t have boundaries around your identity—your thoughts, feelings, and values—then truth becomes abstract. You start outsourcing your reality, taking on other people’s beliefs as your own. That’s a quick path to feeling lost, overwhelmed, and disconnected from yourself.

Bad boundaries don’t just make life harder; they make it exhausting. When we fail to set boundaries, it manifests in our lives in painful ways. Without them, we may feel:

Burnt out from constantly giving without replenishment
Resentful because we put others' needs ahead of our own
Exhausted from overextending ourselves
Stagnant because we aren’t growing or evolving
Avoidant when we don’t want to face the emotional labor of saying no
Like a victim because we feel powerless in our own lives

Resentment, in particular, is an essential signal. Anytime you feel resentful, it’s a sign that a boundary is either missing or being crossed. We feel resentment when we prioritize someone or something over ourselves. Paying attention to resentment can show us exactly where we need stronger boundaries. If you’re holding onto bitterness, it’s probably because you’ve placed someone else’s needs above your own for too long.

Boundaries Are a Claiming of Power

Setting boundaries is an act of self-worth. Think of yourself as a house with a fence—you don’t build a fence around something unless it’s worth protecting. Every time you say, "This is what I need" or "This is not okay with me," you’re reinforcing the message that you matter. It’s like putting up a gate and deciding who gets access and under what conditions. Boundaries don’t just come from worth; they build it. The more you practice protecting your time, energy, and emotions, the more you affirm that you deserve care and respect.

One of the biggest fears around boundaries is that they’ll push people away. And honestly, sometimes they do. But that’s not a bad thing. When you stop tolerating disrespect, manipulation, or neglect, you naturally shift who’s in your life. The people who truly care about you will respect your boundaries. The ones who don’t? They were never really there for you—they were there for what you could give them.

The Different Types of Boundaries

Boundaries exist in every part of life—physical, emotional, sexual, relational, and spiritual. And they come in three main forms:

Porous Boundaries: You let in too much, sacrificing your needs for others. This often leads to burnout and eventually snapping into a rigid boundary.
Rigid Boundaries: You shut people out completely as a reaction to being overextended. This keeps you protected but disconnected.
Healthy Boundaries: You find the balance—connected yet protected. You communicate clearly, make room for others’ needs without abandoning your own, and adjust as necessary.

How Boundaries Impact our Relationships — Think of your relationships like a garden. Without any boundaries—no fence, no gate—your garden can become trampled, overgrown, and neglected. Weeds take over, and the things you’ve worked hard to grow can get lost.
On the other hand, a rigid wall may protect you from harm, but it also blocks out sunlight, connection, and nourishment. Nothing thrives in isolation for long.
Healthy boundaries are like a well-tended fence: they offer structure, protection, and space. They let in what supports your growth—like sunlight, water, and care—and keep out what doesn’t. With these kinds of boundaries, your relationships have room to bloom.

The Fear of Setting Boundaries

A big reason people struggle with boundaries is that, deep down, we’re wired to prioritize belonging. Historically, being part of a group meant survival. If your truth threatened your belonging, you learned to suppress it. And that conditioning runs deep.

But here’s the truth: when you self-abandon to maintain belonging, you end up lonelier than if you had drawn the boundary in the first place. If you’re staying in a dynamic that drains you, ask yourself—am I truly connected, or am I just avoiding discomfort?

Setting boundaries sometimes means risking a relationship. But it also invites deeper, more authentic connections. When you express a boundary, the relationship has two options: evolve or dissolve. Either way, you move toward truth.

How to Start Setting Boundaries

Boundaries aren’t just about other people. They also include self-boundaries—holding yourself accountable for your actions, thoughts, and behaviours. Sometimes, we let ourselves spiral into unhealthy thought patterns, overextend to feel needed, or say yes out of guilt. Being intentional about what you allow into your life is just as important as setting limits with others.

A great way to start practicing boundaries is with this framework:

When ______ (specific action) happened, I felt ______ (your genuine emotion). It’s important to me that my value of ______ is honoured. Moving forward, what I need is ______.

For example: "When you cancel last minute, I feel unimportant. It’s important to me that my time is respected. In the future, I need more notice if plans are changing."

No over-explaining. No justifying. Just a clear, direct statement of what you need.

Strengthening Boundaries Through Values

To set boundaries, you need to know who you are. That starts with identifying your core values. If you don’t know what matters most to you, how can you protect it? Your values act as a guide for where to set boundaries. Some key ones might be:

Integrity – Living in alignment with your values
Growth – Prioritizing expansion and learning
Authenticity – Showing up as your real self
Health – Caring for your emotional and mental well-being
Connection – Fostering relationships that uplift and support you

Take a moment to audit your life. What are your top 3-5 values? If you're unsure, this values sort exercise can help you identify them. Now, look at your life through that lens. Look at different areas of your life—work, relationships, health, personal growth. Where are you living in alignment? Where are you not? Where are you saying yes when you really mean no? That’s where boundaries are needed. Identify where a boundary would help bring you back into integrity.

Boundaries are not permanent lines set in stone. They’re flexible and can change as you grow. Think of them as guidelines for keeping yourself whole, not as punishments for others.

Book Recommendations

If you’re looking for more on boundaries, check out:

Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin by Anne Katherine – A great starting point for understanding what boundaries are and how to implement them.
The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner – Explores how anger signals where boundaries are needed.
Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab – Practical advice on boundary-setting in everyday life.

Ready to Strengthen Your Boundaries?

Boundaries are a lifelong practice, and they can be tough to navigate—especially if you weren’t taught how to set them. If this resonates with you, counselling can help. Working with a therapist can give you clarity, support, and accountability as you learn to protect what matters most.

If you’re ready to start setting boundaries in a way that feels good and sustainable, check out the Match With a Therapist tool to find a counsellor who fits your needs.

Boundaries: The Key to Protection, Connection, and Self-Worth